


In Heart-Stopping Waves of Hurt

by Miserable_toad



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comfort, Curses, Depression, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, No war, Parallel Universes, Severus has left Hogwarts, Shy Severus, and kinda retreated to the muggle world, mental health, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26769346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miserable_toad/pseuds/Miserable_toad
Summary: You don't feel well. At all. Your depression hits hard and you don't want to exist anymore. However, you decide to go out, to take a walk to somehow distract your mind. And you meet someone who shares your pain and gives you more than just a glimpse of hope to go on.
Relationships: Severus Snape & Reader, Severus Snape & You, Severus Snape/Original Female Character(s), Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	In Heart-Stopping Waves of Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mention of suicide, depression, mental health problems
> 
> Basically something like a cathartic piece for me and my shit to cheer me up. And it kinda worked! It was planned as a one shot but I'd actually be in the mood to write maybe one or two chapters more. That's why the length is not fixed, yet. The rating might then change, too. Not sure if an update will come anytime soon though as I still have my main fic to finish. However, thank you for reading! Comments and kudos always appreciated!

I was looking at the sky through my window. Being on the sixth floor had its peaks. Every night, I see the stars. Every sunset is a beautiful play put up by mother nature. However tonight, I didn't have any good words for the master painter up there. The sky didn't care how much I struggled. Pretty thing. Right now I’d rather jump from my window and end it all. I don’t know how I should survive all this. I cry every time I come to my senses and every distraction from myself gets weaker and weaker in its illusion. Maybe I should just take a walk. Just leave for a while. 

And I did. I chose a route along the river. The sun hadn't set entirely and I walked in the dim light of the streetlamps until I got to a bench to rest. The world outside existed and will continue existing after I’m gone. So why does it matter… I buried my hands into my face and cried. I didn’t care if someone saw me. That’s all I could do now. Give in.

Suddenly I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. Gosh, please not a creep or the police or anyone wanting to push me away. I looked up. A tall man stood next to me dressed in a black elegant coat. He was very thin and had a gaunt face framed by long black hair. His black eyes looked at me in worry. He put his hand away as soon as I reacted and handed me a white handkerchief. He looked familiar.. but I couldn't quite place him.

“I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to give you this.” he pointed to the handkerchief now in my hand. “You seem to be in distress. Can I do anything for you? I can also just go if you want. I can understand if someone just wants to be alone with their sadness sometimes. But I couldn’t just walk by doing nothing.”

Usually, I despise men creeping up on me in any situation. But this time.. he felt different and I was so weak and crushed that I didn’t care and actually welcomed his company. Either I’d feel better after talking to him or.. well I wanted to die and if I would do so at the hand of a potential axe-murderer both outcomes would be kind of a win-win situation.

“No, it’s fine” - I replied. “Thank you for the handkerchief. You can sit next to me if you want.” And he did so cautiously, turning slightly towards me. I put myself together somehow and then said: “Do I know you from somewhere?”

“well.. not directly probably. I’m sorry. My name is Severus Snape. I’m working part-time in the library you’re working at. But on different shifts. I think we saw each other briefly at last month’s meeting?”

“Oh right. I didn’t recognise you in the dark with this long coat. You haven’t been working long for us, haven’t you?”

“No, just two months so far. I like it though.”

I nodded weakly and looked to the ground. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I was too depressed. Now I felt the lack of energy. After some awkward moments of silence, the man next to me said: “Would you like to have something to eat? You can talk to me about what made you so sad, if you want. Or not, it’s ok. We don’t have to talk at all and you just eat something. I’ll pay. No strings attached. I just.. want to make you feel better somehow.”

I nodded again. What was I doing? But this man looked at me with such sincerity and kindness. And I was hungry so… yep. Let’s go.

We simply went to the restaurant just on the other side of the street. A small Italian one. When we sat down and Severus had removed his long coat, I actually recognised him more. Though he didn’t wear his glasses that he had on during the meeting. I saw him maybe twice in the library so far. Mostly my colleague was the one telling me about him. Though she couldn’t say much. He was rather quiet. He helped the customers fast and to their full content but always came off a bit cold and distant. But his work was excellent and you could see he was an academic man or at least used to be. Apparently he had left a higher teaching profession and our boss was a bit reluctant to employ someone who has made so much more money in his former job. Somehow, he convinced her. I now understood why. Yes, he came off distant but.. there was a warmth in his eyes, an elegance in his features and in the way he moved. Yet, he was surrounded by an old sadness. You could simply not ignore him in a way.

He caught me staring at him and weakly smiled at me over the menu with a lifted eyebrow. “Have you picked out something, yet? You can order anything you like. Don’t look at the prices. It’s the least I can do to cheer a colleague up.”

“Thank you.. really. Yes, I think I’ll take the cheese tortellini and some apple juice to drink. You?”

“Good choice. I actually take the same though I’m more of a sparkling water person.” We ordered with the waiter and then waited. He didn’t initiate conversation. I think he truly just wanted to let me eat and have some distraction. And somehow none of it was awkward. It felt safe and ok to sit together at a table in silence. After the first bite of my meal, I felt immediately better. Yes, starving is really not good for the mind…

“That is delicious! Best pasta I’ve ever tasted really! Or maybe it’s just that I haven't eaten all day because I was drowning in my sadness alone but.. wow!” - did I actually say the last part out loud? Nooo… not a good conversation starter. Yet again, he picked me up crying dramatically sitting at the river soo….

He just chuckled in a comforting way: “I’m sorry to hear that. I know this only too well myself. However, this Italian restaurant is indeed really good. I’ve been here a couple of times.”

“Oh, sorry that you feel that way, too.”

“Well, that’s maybe the reason why I just wanted to do something. I hope you don’t feel like I’ve intruded.” - he said sipping on his water.

“No, I.. actually feel better. Thank you.” I smiled and continued eating. After a while though, I wanted to talk more. Fuck it, this whole situation is so surreal and dumb I can just go all in.. “You know, how sometimes.. everything just falls apart and you really want to escape everything. You don’t want to die per se but.. you don’t want to exist. Don’t want to live through the reality that you’re in. Don’t want to look at yourself in the mirror. And it seems like there is nothing worth going on and no one who can help you.” I looked outside through the window. I could hear Severus putting his fork aside and exhaling heavily. 

“Yes, I’ve experienced that before, too. And probably will again. But in my experience, it’s always better to go on. And believe me, I know how that doesn’t help at all right now.”

I chuckled “Yeah.. still thank you. But you seem quite content at the library at least?”

He nodded: “Yes, I love to work there. It’s quiet and ordered and away from everything… from my past and my demons.”

“Isn’t this what some people might call running away though?”

“Not if it was a toxic and unnecessary situation from the start.”

“True. I’m glad you feel better here.”

“Me, too. But what made you feel like that in the first place if I may ask?”

I sighed “Bad choices. So so many bad choices…” I shook my head while saying this. “Time running out and me unable to do what I should’ve done. Losing everything I earned. Trying to get things back that are gone forever. Now I’m just old and lost and have disappointed everyone.” I looked absentmindedly on my plate. Oh what a whiner I am...

He turned his gaze down and said: “Bad decisions are a part of life. And I wouldn’t say you’re old. We both have time ahead of us. Even though it doesn’t seem like it.”

“I really want to believe that. But I look back and see a bright young student, hopeful for the future with potential. So much potential. And now? Wasted..” I looked away in pain.

I could hear him taking another sip from his glass and then folding his hands on the table before saying: “You know, I have something of an opposite situation. I never thought I would achieve anything but revenge maybe. My parents weren’t.. the best and made sure to let me know I wasn’t anything worth really. And the only person that saw more in me.. well I pushed her away. In the end, I lived and worked in the halls that reminded me of my worst memory, my mistakes, my bad choices. I only realised how much of a prison that is after so many years. People told me it's too late to change. To do something new. But when I left, for the first time in ages I saw a potential for happiness or hope, at least.” he looked directly at me now, maintaining eye contact: “I don’t want to compare our situations. None of them are better or worse. Just different. Also, I’m not saying you should leave. I think you feel good working at the library. Your colleagues and even the customers have a high opinion of you. I just want to tell you.. it’s never too late as cheesy as it sounds. I had given up all hope. I am an old man. Yet, I’m here and see hope in the smallest things. And maybe that’s what it’s all about. Everything you experienced in your youth leaves the strongest impression on you. After that time runs so much faster. But that’s still such a small fraction of your life no matter what we seem to perceive. At least, that’s what I like to think.”

I looked at him with tears in my eyes but I held them back. Somehow all that he said hit a nerve. And his former life sounded painful indeed. His black eyes locked with mine, drawing me in. We both seemed to share the same pain despite different lives. And he tells me what he has learned. Maybe to give me a piece of the small fraction of hope he had found and knew I needed.

After a while, I replied: “Yes, you’re right. It’s still so hard though. You can barely tell anyone what you feel. People are unable to cope with what you’re feeling. This deep black hole that sucks you in and makes you want to end it all. You can’t share and they can’t help you.”

“But they still care. And I care though I barely know you. I know you don’t really want to end it. It’s hard of course. You can always talk to me if it helps you in any kind of way.”

I tilted my head, suddenly feeling cheeky, “You know what. Yes, it does help. I might do that if it’s ok. However, I don’t want to be the one crying at your shoulder every night. We barely know each other.” 

He cackled, “I wouldn’t mind that though.. I mean getting to know more of you.” He quickly corrected himself and looked very intensely at his food. That was a very cute slip out though and I felt myself blushing somehow. Gosh, a pretty man is kind to me and I immediately feel… something. Pathetic. But.. maybe i should throw caution over board. It’s too late to save everything now anyway so I said: “Yes, that would be nice. Getting to know you, I mean.. Maybe not over my heartbreaking depression though. I can be cool! Somehow. I think?”

He laughed out loud: “That’s more than I ever was. I’ve never been cool ever in my life.”

“Oh, I think you’re cool right now. I really like your dressing style. You’re so elegant with that white shirt and waistcoat. I wish I had your sense of style and elegance.”

I could see his face turning red ever so slightly. “I’ve been dressing the same way my whole life. I think sometimes I should try something new. Well apart from a short punk phase during my teenage years.”

“Uhhh, a punk phase. Tell me more.” - I said teasingly.

He shook his head and shrugged: “Not much to say. Just me wearing checkered green shirts and listening to very bad punk music while saying fuck you to some rich kids who ruined my life.”

I chuckled “That’s all we need sometimes. I can agree with that.”

We continued talking about everything, our taste in music, books, work at the library, parents, the universe, relationships.. anything you could think of. It was so easy to talk to him and the longer the night went the more I forgot why I was even here and how surreal the whole situation was. Also, I could feel myself blushing more and just.. feeling very drawn to Severus. I caught myself staring more at him, observing him closer. He wore some heavy silver rings on his hands. Unusual for most men but it fit well to his style. One was ornamented with a dark green stone, the other simple silver but with letters on it that appeared to be some kind of runes. When he caught my gaze, he explained to me those were symbols used to note potion recipes. I was intrigued that he would wear something unusual like that. He told me it has something to do with his former job but didn’t go any further and I didn’t want to press him. But when he explained it to me his hands lay so close to mine. I had to suppress the desire to touch it. To hold it and intertwine our fingers. Alone the thought turned my face red. Gosh, this was stupid.…

At some point the restaurant closed and we were kindly asked to leave. He offered me to walk me home. We talked more and maybe put in a couple of more stops than necessary to 'look at thing'. At one point we stood on the railing looking out on the river and he stood so close to me, we brushed shoulders slightly. I felt like a teenager again. How could I forget my worries so easily with him? Of course, my problems won't go away with a new fling, a crush, a love.. but it certainly helped being with this man right now.

We forgot the time but it was now almost 2am in the morning when we arrived at my house. It felt like we’ve talked for years though. I welcomed him inside because I wanted to finish our conversation without my stupid neighbours complaining. At first, he declined because he didn’t want to intrude or cause any problems. But I insisted on at least giving him a tea for all the effort and help he has given me. I knew it was risky. But I just.. didn’t want to end it now. He came in and we both stood in the kitchen, sipping on our lavender tea. He looked around and asked me about the books he saw on my shelves, the posters I had hung up. He made me feel like the centre of the universe, like someone really interesting and worth knowing. I appreciated that more than I probably should have.

But any meeting had to end somehow. We stood at the door a bit awkwardly, not knowing how to say goodbye to such a meaningful meeting. When I stood in front of him, I felt myself drawn to him, like his gravity was pulling me towards him. I could feel he hesitated or just didn’t want to do anything that I wouldn’t wanna do. He was polite. Or maybe I just read his signals wrong. Maybe my feelings, which had been all mixed up now, betrayed me. But I said fuck it. And I closed the distance between us and hugged him cautiously at first. He put his arms around me in an embrace that felt like heaven. I mumbled a thank you for everything into his chest. He smelled earthy like the smell of turning weather. I looked up and his lips were so close to mine. His eyes were full of desire but he held back. He whispered and stammered half-sentences. He was clearly flustered saying “I…. I don’t know.. what to do..” he sighed. “I want to but I don’t want to if you don’t.. want.. to. Don't think I.. ugh..” but before he could say more, I closed the distance and kissed him, hoping it was what he meant. The kiss was full of caution and hesitation at first. His lips were so soft and warm and he tasted like sweet wine. His arms were now wrapped around my waist and he pulled me up towards him. The kiss grew deeper, more passionate and wilder. Everything around me was forgotten. Everything before and after this moment. I just felt him, his hands, his lips, his chest. My tongue that asked for permission, and his mouth that welcomed it. His hand that stroked my sides, my hand running through his hair. It felt like time had stopped here. But time is cruel and always runs further. At some point we both let go and just embraced each other. Flustered but happy. When he said goodbye he held my hand and kissed me again, shorter but lovingly. When he had left I looked at my phone and already had a message notification “Thank you for this wonderful night. Dinner tomorrow? Only if you want, of course. Severus.”


End file.
